Faithful Instruction

I’m Hannah. I am 17 years old and this is my testimony.

I’ve never actually written this out or told anyone this before so I’m kind of excited.. and nervous. I suppose I’ll start at the beginning.

I grew up in the church my whole life. I think some people believe that it’s a good thing but sometimes it’s worse. There are a lot of pressures to be “perfect” and that’s obviously impossible. Anyways, I became a Christian at Vacation Bible School when I was 7. Of course, my whole family was super excited and I was too. It went fairly smoothly till I was probably 10. I got addicted to pornography. I’m not sure what the youngest age is for that addiction but I feel like that’s pretty young. That’s when I should have been enjoying life and having fun, not looking at things on the internet that were damaging my soul. So that went on for quite a few years; till I was 14. My parents found out about it and we had a serious discussion about why God thought it was wrong and I was really ashamed. After that, I kind of just did my own thing. I’ve always been sort of a perfectionist so I focused on my school, went to church, and smiled at my family. I called myself a Christian but I didn’t feel like God cared about me. A few months after I turned 15, my dad got a job in Michigan at a church so my family moved up there. Now, my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents) and friends all live in the Carolina’s and moving away from everyone was really hard on me. We stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks while we looked for a house there and I started struggling with pornography again. Except this time, masturbation was added to the mix. I had never thought about it before but it just happened and I couldn’t stop. While in Michigan, I went on a missions trip to Orlando. I’m not even sure why but, at the time, it seemed like a good idea. The first night, we shared our stories and I was so ashamed, guilty, and afraid of being judged so I kept quiet. I ended up breaking down and just bawling through my 2 min story of growing up in the church and how my faith was my parents and somewhere in that short speech, I found God and I lived happily ever after. The end. (But not really) My youth leader, Amanda, was so sweet and amazing. I probably would not have survived that trip without her. She was so encouraging and, when I got homesick, it was like having a second mom in her. I seriously thought everything would change when I got back but within a couple of weeks, I was back to my old habits. We lived in Michigan for 2 1/2 years and it took me 2 of them to finally tell someone about my problem. God was really convicting me with the messages at church, songs we would sing, and prayers people would pray and I finally, thankfully, gave in to Him. I told Amanda, my missions trip leader, whom I knew I could trust and it turned out she had problems with the same things. God really gave me a good person to tell because she understood and she didn’t judge me for what I had been doing. I think when I first told her, I was expecting this peace and I thought I would be able to stop with the pornography and masturbation but it didn’t work like that. I felt peace after telling her but I was still having a hard time with my temptations. My family moved back to the Carolina’s in May ‘11 and I went through about a 2 month “dead spell”. I just felt like God didn’t care at all and I didn’t care what I did with my life. I wasn’t doing anything destructive; I just wasn’t living for Christ. Fitting in with my friends, and not being the “good little Christian girl” was so important to me. But a friend of mine was really encouraging me and told me that I just had to let go of the idea of perfection. I didn’t want to be addicted to porn, masturbation, or anything of the sort. But God writes our stories in His own way, not ours. I surrendered everything to God. I just got down on my knees, and gave it all up. Specifically, my addictions. It was a hard thing for me to go through but since then, I’ve been seriously searching for God. I didn’t have to search for long and I’m so thankful that He never left my side. I’m far from perfect and I recognize and accept that. But God heals broken wounds, takes away pain, reminds you how special you are, loves you, and, most importantly, forgives you of everything you’ve ever done or will do in the future. I can promise you that I will still screw up but I know that God is changing me from the inside out and that is way more than I deserve.

Thank you for reading and I would love to talk to you if you struggle with some of the same things. :) 

In Christ, who forgives all transgressions,

Hannah